What'd you say?
Are you going through menopause?
I'm not going through menopause.
I'm not gonna go through menopause for like 20 years.
I'm pregnant, you little bitch.
God damn it!
I'm going out with Desi to find out if she's stealing from us.
I've got the Graham Parker concert. Who's gonna watch the kids?
I don't know. Figure it out.
DEBBlE: I kind ofjust wanted to talk.
I thought maybe we could go to a coffeehouse or something.
You want coffee? This place has coffee.
They have all kinds of drinks.
Um...
But someplace quiet, maybe.
This place can be quiet.
There's a spot in the back. It's pretty quiet.
What sport do you guys play?
We play hockey.
Oh, I like hockey.
Who do you guys play for?
We play for the Philadelphia Flyers.
So, you guys are all from Philadelphia?
ALL: No.
Actually, none of us are.
Do you guys still have all ofyour teeth?
Well, I got all my teeth except these ones. (GASPS)
Do you want to try them on?
Yeah, I'll do it. Go for it.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Do I look sexy?
ALL: Yeah!
Do you want to make out with me?
Oh, yeah.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Wow.
They definitely look way better on her than they do on you.
Here we go.
Thank you.
So, should we go to the quiet area?
No, no, no.
Where are you going?
We kind of have to have a little business meeting tonight.
Business meeting?
Girls, you gotta celebrate because we won tonight. Let's go.
I want to party with these winners. Come on, Deb.
Just come to the stage and dance with us.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah!
Okay, let's fucking dance!
Yeah!
(CROWD APPLAUDlNG)
PETE: Don't be shy, feel free to come down and fill up these empty seats.
Thank you so much for coming. This is so exciting!
(CROWD CHEERlNG)
For the first time in over 30 years,
Graham Parker & The Rumour.
(CROWD CHEERlNG)
(SlNGlNG ROCK SONG)
Where are his fans? I mean, where are they?
It's hard to watch a band when you know all of them remember D-Day.
What was the press turnout like?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh. You're serious?
Nobody came. Nobody.
Nobody is here?
The guy from Green Day is here.
Yeah, Billie Joe, I emailed him. He's a fan.
You gotta get a photo of the two of them.
No, he says he doesn't want to do any press.
He's just watching the show.
Oh, how punk-rock of him. "l don't like photographs."
Grow up, Green Day!
Shut the fuck up, Tom Selleck!
(DANCE SONG PLAYlNG)
You don't have, like...
I wouldn't call them classically good dance moves,
but you left it all out there.
You're a blast to dance with.
Thank you.
We're having a little shindig at the hotel after this.
You should come by and hang out at the hotel.
You want me to come to the hotel?
Yes, I want you to come
by the hotel with me.
Well, what would we do there?
Maybe we can find somewhere quiet and have fun and kind of see where it goes.
Do it like adults do sometimes and...
Like, sex?
I mean, if you want.
If that's on the docket, but I'm not trying to force that.
So, you would do sex with me?
"Do sex"?
What are you, Borat?
Are you hitting on me?
Yes, yes, I'm hitting on you.
You're hot and cool and nice and you have beautiful eyes.
I'm sorry.
I'm married, I have two kids and I'm pregnant.
That is what we call the hat-trick. Wow.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I was just really enjoying you being so nice to me.
I hope this doesn't come off as super-cheesy,
but I think you're a very rare find.
Thank you.
And I would totally "do sex" with you.
(LAUGHS)
PETE: That was spectacular, guys.
Really well done. Amazing.
Thank you. Good, good.
Hey, Graham.
Pete. How are you, man?
Well, the first numbers came in.
Yeah, right, yeah.
Happy? How's it looking?
About half of your last record.
Ah. So, you were expecting it to sell?
They never sell anymore. They used to sell, but now they don't.
I'm not a sexy 16-year-old girl.
But I wanted to sell it. It's such a good record.
I feel like I let you down.
No, I'm gonna be fine, man. My overheads are so low.
I just got a song in Glee.
The guy in the wheelchair is gonna sing it to the Asian girl, I believe.
I don't know, I've never seen the show, but that's what I'm told.
The secret is, make sure you have a small nut.
That's the key to life.
Graham, I don't have small nuts, all right?
I have big nuts and I need to provide for them.
Graham! Hey, what's up?
Billie!
Graham, how are you doing, man?
Great fucking show, man. Good to see you.
Thank you. Fuck.
Yeah, I'm inspired.
I want to write a fucking song right now.
Inspired. Yeah.
That inspires me.
Let's go get a drink. Let's get a drink.
All right. You coming?
No, no, I'm fine. You guys go.
Congratulations on Glee.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! Yes, thank you.
All right. See you, Pete.
All right. So long, guys. Later.
GRAHAM: Yeah, yeah.
You got a song on Glee? Yeah.
That's killer, man. That's so much money.
It's great. It's good for all of us.
DEBBlE: Why did you put that guy's teeth in your mouth?
(LAUGHS)
That's so gross. (SNORTS)
(MUFFLED) I was drunk. He was dirty.
No, he was wearing a tie.
That's true. He wasn't dirty.
When I kissed him, I felt his little tiny teeth nubs with my tongue.
You did? Yeah.
It was like kissing a baby.
French-kissing a baby.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Can I ask you something stupid? Uh-huh.
Do you know why we're missing money at the store?
Are you guys missing money?
Yeah. Like, $12,000.
Do you think that I took it?
No. I mean... Well, no.
I did and I don't now.
It's not me.
Why do you live in such a nice apartment and have such a fancy car?
Yes, you're right. Um... Look...
(SlGHS)
I am an escort.
I get paid to go out on dates.
You...
Oh.
But only three to five times a year.
Ten times, max.
But it's not technically prostitution, because I don't have to sleep with them.
Oh, well, that's good.
But I always do.
That's why I only do it four to eight times a year.
Fifteen times, max.
Huh.
One year, I did it 20.
Well, as long as you think it's safe.
It's safe.
I only do it 10 to 30 times a year.
So, who do you think is stealing money?
It's fucking Jodi.
No. Yeah.
She's a pilled-out whore.
Huh.
Since you told me, I want to tell you something.
You're pregnant.
How'd you know?
Wow.
Maybe you should tell Pete.
You didn't tell Pete yet?
I haven't told Pete.
Why? I don't know why.
I just want him to want me.
I don't want him to want me because I'm pregnant.
Go home and fucking suck his dick
and tell him then, and he will love it.
You think? He'll be so excited.
Or even better yet... Better yet,
you should tell him while you're sucking his dick, like...
"I'm pregnant."
(LAUGHS)
What are you doing?
Um, returning some emails.
What time do you have to go to work?
Like, 10 minutes ago.
Do you wanna be late?
No, I can't be late, not today.
Do you see me standing here in front of you,
half-naked?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah.
And does that
make you feel anything, or...
(SlGHS) Come on. Are you trying to start a fight?
No, I'm not trying to start a fight with you.
I'm trying to fuck you.
Oh, God, you know what?
Today, of all days,
is the day you need to cut me a break, all right?
Whatever.
Oh, God.
What?
I didn't realize it was intentional.
I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to be embarrassed.
I thought I was being gallant.
All right, fine. I'm an asshole.
God.
You know what your problem is?
You're never, ever in the moment.
You're never, ever present. You're never in your body.
That's not true. I am in the moment. You know how I know?
I want to get the fuck out of the moment.
I swear, I can't win with you. I just can't do it.
You can't just walk away.
Oh, God.
Hey! How's the record company going, Pete?
What? Not great.
I'm still waiting for numbers to come in.
What have you heard?
A couple numbers have trickled in.
It's lower than we expected.
Then why are you giving Larry money?
What?
I know everything. I talked to the accountant.
You know what? I don't wanna get into some nasty fight
so can we please talk to each other
the way the therapist told us to talk to each other?
Fine. Fine.
It makes me feel sad when you are dishonest.
I understand it makes you feel bad when I am dishonest with you.
It hurts my feelings when you treat me with contempt
and corner me, and try and trick me into lying.
Okay.
It makes me sad when it's so easy to trick you into lying,
because you're such a lying shit-bag.
That's not... You can't do that, you can't do that.
The therapist said you're not allowed to judge me.
That's not a judgment, that's just a fact.
Fair enough.
Sometimes I withhold truth, that is true.
But it's only because I'm scared to death
of your crazy-assed, illogical overreactions.
Well...
It hurts me inside and triggers me
when you're such a dishonest shit,
that you're lending your father money without telling me
while your record company's going bankrupt
and we're on the verge of losing our fucking house!
(PLAYlNG)
What else are you lying about?
I've taken Viagra for two years.
I ate six muffins downstairs a while ago
and my cholesterol level is 305.
My heart could explode at any second.
These might be my very last words.
Oh, and I gave Charlotte antibiotics when you weren't looking.
That's why her ear got better. So, go fuck your witch doctor.
What are we even doing? What are we doing?
This is not making me happy. You're not happy.
You don't like me. I can feel that.
I'm not blind.
Jesus.
We're like business associates.
We're like brother and sister.
There's no passion there.
We're not like brother and sister. You know what we're like?
We're like Simon and Garfunkel
and, somehow, you turned me into Garfunkel.
I don't even know what that means.
Art Garfunkel.
What's wrong with Art Garfunkel? He has a beautiful voice.
He's got an amazing voice! He could put a harmony to anything!
But what I'm saying is that you turned me into him.
What the hell are you talking about?
Simon controls him!
That's because Simon writes the fucking songs!
He's the better one!
You know what? I see the way you look at our kids.
You have so much love and compassion for them.
You never look at me like that. Ever.
Would we even still be together
if I didn't get pregnant 14 years ago?
You know what? I'm not gonna go down that road.
Would we?
Okay.
You know what? I don't want to have a party here.
You need to cancel it.
No, I'm not.
I already paid for the catering. I've put down deposits.
And I sure as fuck am not gonna call everybody back in two days
when you change your mind.
Your girlfriend is not ugly.
SPONGEBOB: Actually, Larry, she's not my girlfriend. She's just a...
It's cool, buddy. You don't have to explain your girlfriend to me.
Can you please stop licking your fingers?
Do you know how many germs are on your hands?
And you're putting them into your mouth.
That's gross. Stop.
Stop it!
I'm gonna kill you!
Hey! Sadie, enough, all right?
She isn't hurting anyone.
You want to say something, just keep your mouth shut.
You have never been nice to her
and now she's getting aggressive with you.
I told you this would happen.
(DOOR SLAMS)
I'm sick of everybody fighting.
What do you think you're gonna be like when you grow up?
I don't know. Um...
I don't know.
Do you think you want kids?
Mm-hmm. Just one.
Just one, why?
Because if I have two, then the other will fight with the other one.
Does it make you sad when you fight?
Mm-hmm. I don't want anyone to fight.
I love you.
Why isn't anybody talking? Why is it so quiet?
It's the Sounds of Silence.
(LOUD ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(SlNGlNG ALONG)
Will you stop, Dad?
How many of those are you gonna eat?
As many as I want.
I'm gonna tell Mom on you.
Try it. See what you get for Christmas.
Nothing.
Snitches wind up in ditches.
Remember that.
Hey, Peter.
Hi. Hiya.
All right. See you.
Have a good one.
Peter.
Peter!
Hi.
Catherine.
I'm Joseph's mother.
Oh, right. No, I know. Hi, Catherine.
Our kids have gone to school together for eight years.
Sorry.
Hello, Joseph.
I hear our kids have been chatting online.
Yeah? I heard that your wife has been screaming at my son.
And I don't appreciate it. Excuse me?
She screamed at my son.
Right? She threatened you. She screamed at you. She cursed at him.
He's 13 years old, for God's sake.
What the hell is the matter with her?
Okay, you better check her meds and get 'em right.
Okay, you know what? Why don't you back the fuck off?
Because that's my lovely, sweet wife you're talking about.
Oh, I need to back off? Yeah, you need to back off.
Because your kid is an animal. He's a fucking animal.
Why don't you put him on a leash?
Turn around, turn around, turn around!
If he insults my daughter again,
I'm gonna hit him with my fucking car.
Got it?
In fact, ifyou insult my wife again, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna show up at your house when you're sleeping
and I'll take your iPad or your iPod or your iMac
and I'll shove them up your fucking iCunt.
I got nothing to lose. Your kid is the problem.
My kid is a fucking angel. Turn around.
I don't have time for this shit.
So I'm keeping it together, but if I wasn't at school right now...
Touch my... Touch me?
I didn't touch your... You touched my upper breast.
I didn't. I didn't. I got right below your shoulder.
You got right here. You actually... He hit my nipple.
You what?
You're insane.
Why would you do that? Did you just touch my mom's nipple?
He just touched my nipple. Why would you do that to me?
I poked you on the shoulder.
I have very high nipples.
I touched your shirt.
What do you think is under my shirt?
I just... My breasts are under my shirt.
Your shoulder. Your shoulder. He just touched my breast.
Well, that's a funny place to put a shoulder, on my boob.
Hello? There are children around.
This isn't over. This is not over. You're gonna be sorry.
Let's go. Let's go, let's go, let's go!
And why the fuck would you believe Desi?
You just admitted it.
Did l?
You stole $12,000 from me, Jodi, and I need you to pay me back.
Could you at least give me a referral?
You babysat my kids while you were on OxyContin.
Oxycodone.
Well, oxycodone.
Oxycotton.
OxyContin?
Oxykitten.
What's Oxykitten?
Meow.
Jodi, you put me in danger. Me and my family.
It was a cry for help.
Help. Help.
Why don't you help me?
Just help.
(SOBS GlBBERlSH)
You didn't help me.
Are you high right now?
(GROWLS) Help me.
(CELL PHONE CHlMES)
Is that about me? Is that the cops?
Is this a set-up?
I need to go.
Okay, see you later.
(GROWLS) Fuck you, Debbie.
Fuck you.
Joseph was very upset when I spoke to him about this.
So I thought it was important that we
join together and work this through.
Absolutely.
We're gonna work through it,
but Debbie told my son that he looked like Tom Petty,
in a negative way.
Who's Tom Petty? You know who Tom Petty is.
And she said that if she had to come back that she was going to...
"F" up his pussy-ass, which is what she said.
Oh, my...
Are you serious?
I didn't. I would never. To a child?
Your son has been defiling my daughter's Facebook page now for months.
These people are liars.
He said that my son was an animal
and that if I didn't keep him on a leash,
that he would hit him with his car.
Did you say that?
That's ridiculous.
Who talks like that? You do.
He didn't say that. He said it to me.
No. What I said was that we need to keep an extra eye on our kids
because with all the technological advances,
they need to learn to use them responsibly.
No. What he said to me was... He called me an iCunt.
PETE: A what? Language, Catherine! Language.
CATHERlNE: I'm quoting!
How am I gonna relay
what these two nutballs said to me, unless I say it?
Can you please not talk like that, Catherine?
Music Man is rehearsing next door.
Sorry, fucking Music Man.
Maybe if I looked more like this fake bullshit couple.
Looks like they're in a bank commercial.
That's what you look like.
Like you're a bullshit bank commercial couple.
None of this talk is productive.
I would like to rear up and jackknife my legs
and kick you both in the fucking jaw with my foot bone.
You're just really scaring me.
This is what happens when you corner a rat.
You corner me, I will fucking chew through you.
I'll chew through you.
Catherine, you're better than this.
Fuck you, Jill. You're a horrible fucking woman.
This is why everybody hates you, Jill.
This kind of shit. Ineffective. Fucking bullshit hair.
And I'm glad your husband died.
Because you're a fucking asshole. He probably killed himself.
Okay, Catherine, I think we know what's happening now.
Now you know what we're dealing with.
I'm not gonna eat that chicken.
Why not?
Because I feel like I'm gonna be a vegetarian.
Can you become a vegetarian tomorrow? Uh-uh.
(SOBBlNG) You guys have been reading my texts?
No, we haven't. Yes, we have.
We're supposed to keep an eye on you.
How did you find out?
Joseph told me that you flipped out on him and his mom.
And you guys are nuts, and I agree.
All right, you know what? Don't be disrespectful.
You're the ones who are disrespectful.
Reading my texts is like reading my diary.
And you were really sweet on your iChats.
We were really proud of you.
Yeah, we were going to give you your computer and phone back.
Fuck you!
Okay, there's the first official "fuck you."
Okay, that is not how we talk to each other in this house.
You guys talk to each other like that all the time.
And to Joseph and his mom. You made Joseph cry.
Joseph has a crush on you. You like a boy who cries.
Shut up, Charlotte.
You guys so desperately want me to be so perfect and to make no mistakes.
Well, you two are fucking insane.
Okay.
All you do is fight, or you don't fight, which is even worse
because it looks like you hate each other for weeks.
You obsess over every little thing I do,
and you don't trust in me or believe in me.
Well, I'm fucking sick of it.
Yeah, I said "fuck." Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Ground me forever, I don't care. I don't care about anything.
(SOBS)
I hate everything.
Everyone's going crazy. I don't care if I have no friends.
Are you still upset about Lost?
Of course I'm upset about Lost!
You guys took away my shit before I could watch the last two episodes.
And I don't know what the fuck happened!
She's becoming just like us.
I hope I never get my period if this is what happens.
Where did you find this?
I stole it.
Thank you.
No big deal.
Our kids are fucking crazy.
And it's our fault.
Do you think there's anything we can do to turn it around, or...
Sadie's 13. She might be a lost cause.
Where did she learn that kind of language?
We don't talk like that.
I have no fucking idea.
Do you think Sadie is this crazy because of us
or is it hormones and Lost?
J. J. Abrams.
He's ruining our daughter. Yeah.
That fucking geek.
I feel bad for us. I feel bad for us.
All of a sudden, we're like a magnet for negativity.
Why do people keep attacking us?
What did we do? We're just doing our best.
Should we talk about our fight?
I think we're under enough pressure.
Let's just let it go, this time.
Yeah.
We can give each other a break.
All right, great. Thank you.
And I'm sorry about my dad. You're right.
I'm sorry that he's just an endless mooch.
The truth is that this isn't about us.
It's about our parents.
We're not even mad at each other. We're mad at them.
Exactly. Exactly.
Let's just take away our parents' power by loving them.
Can we do that?
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
Thank God.
I kind of feel better already, do you?
Do you? I do.
I love you. I love you, too.
(SlGHS) It's not us, it's them.
Totally.
What are you doing? We have to get ready for the party.
I just watched the last episode of Lost.
Okay.
You know what? We don't have time for this right now.
We have a lot of people coming over.
They're all dead.
What?
Jack, Kate, Sawyer...
I don't care about the show right now. Jin, Sun...
Okay? I need you to just get in the shower, get dressed.
Let's just put it on hold. Walt, Juliet...
All those people.
Don't think about Losttoday.
Tomorrow, Lost, all day. I can't wait to hear about it.
Jack? No way, really? Right now, shower.
I don't make fun of your stupid Mad Men.
First of all, I don't get worked up over Mad Men.
That's because Mad Men sucks.
What Don Draper has gone through
beats whatever Jack is running from on some fucking island.
Bunch of people smoking in an office. It's stupid.
You're getting me off topic.
Just, please, get dressed.
Hello. Hi.
I'm glad you're here.
I need a buffer in case it gets weird.
Oh, well, I'm ready to buff.
Grab these napkins. Let's buff. Okay.
So, that's the girl who works for you.
Yeah. That's her. Works for Debbie.
She seems nice.
My wife would never let me have a hot employee like that.
Yeah? No.
Every woman who works for us
Iooks like they've been in some kind of horrible accident.
I'm taking control, and now you're my slave.
Are you comfortable with that around your husband?
Oh. Pete wouldn't know what to do with that.
Do you think our wives are looking at us right now?
Oh, definitely. Yeah.
They look like pedophiles.
Thank you. The girls are so excited you're here.
They're all outside.
Hi. Hi.
Hey, how are you? How are you, man?
Good to see you.
Happy birthday, Pete.
How wonderful to see you.
Thank you, Grandma Molly.
You're wonderful.
And look at my gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
No, I get that. I'm just wondering why I should do it.
Pete, Jason's here.
Peter, hi.
Hey, how's it going, Jason?
You look well. Thank you.
How do you like what I've been doing to your girl?
How you like Debbie's "after" body?
It's nice. Come on. Show him.
Look at this. It's beautiful.
Look at that "after" ass. Now, it starts here.
But it used to start here.
And I brought it up.
You're welcome.
So, are you a trainer?
Yes. Oh.
But not just physical. Spiritual. I'm sort of a guide.
Mm-hmm. You guys should talk. I think you'll get along.
Come here, honey. I gotta tell you something.
Yeah.
Who's that in the pool? Mine.
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
Hello. Hello, Debbie.
How are you? Good.
Remember my husband, Pete?
Oh, right. I didn't recognize you with the long hair.
Oh, yeah. I've been growing it.
Happy birthday.
Thank you so much.
Very old Scotch.
Wow. You know...
I hope it hasn't expired.
(LAUGHS)
No, Scotch doesn't expire.
It improves with age.
Yeah. No, I know. Thank you so...
That's nice. Come on in. Sure.
Sorry.
So, what do you do in Chino, Oliver?
I'm a surgeon.
Wow. What kind? That's great.
Mainly of the spine.
My specialty is scoliosis surgery.
My mom used to talk to me like I had scoliosis
because I'm a little hunchy, but that's a different thing.
Well, you definitely don't look right.
Hey! Hey!
LARRY: Sorry we're late.
I was in the lab, cloning myself.
We're gonna have another seven tomorrow.
We cut their hair differently, so we can finally tell who they are.
You like the new haircut, Travis?
I'm Jack, damn it!
Oh. Of course.
Larry, this is my father.
Really? How are you?
Oliver. Oliver?
"Can I have some more?
"Please, Oliver? I need a little more, sir."
I love that movie. You must get that all the time.
Not really. JACK: My nose itches right here.
I'm sorry, excuse me. I'm Claire and I'm Larry's wife.
Very nice to see you, but I'm gonna go get the kids.
We won't see her now for the whole day.
I'd help, honey, but you know I got the blood pressure,
and I don't want to.
Can I get you a drink, Dad?
Yeah, a little white wine.
White wine? Yeah.
Heavy stuff. Yeah.
So, who knew that Debbie had a dad?
Where have you been for 15 years?
Never seen you at Hanukah or Christmas or Ramadan, nothing.
How you get out of all that stuff? Do you have a wife?
Yeah, my wife's at home.
Why didn't she come?
Uh, construction. They're sanding our deck.
You let the woman sand the deck?
She supervises it. Yes.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
Hey! Look how big the kids are!
Sadie!
Hi, Larry. Hi, Sadie.
Mom. Who's Oliver?
What do you mean?
Is he your dad?
Is he my... He's my biological father.
What does that mean?
It means that my mom, Grandma...
He and my mom had a baby, and that was me.
Oh, so you're our grandpa?
Well, why don't you ask your mother?
Yeah. I guess so.
Then that would make him your grandfather then, yes.
Do you want him to be?
Yes, then we get another grandpa.
Come on.
Well...
Another grandpa. Trampoline time.
That was deeply uncomfortable.
(SlGHS)
At least that pretty girl was here to divert our attention.
Oh, my gosh. Hi.
Me, oh, my. I did not see you there.
Hi. I saw you there.
Did you guys come together? Are you a couple?
No, we didn't come together. No, absolutely not.
I'm sorry, I thought... The moustache is a little...
Mmm. That's fair. DESl: I just assumed.
This is a straight-man moustache.
What is the difference between a gay man's moustache
and a straight man's moustache?
The smell.
Uh, excuse me.
So, spinal surgery.
It just seems to me to be at the top of the surgery chain.
(CHUCKLES) Well, we're not cardio, we're not neuro,
but I like to think we're an important part of the spectrum.
Do you operate every single day? Most days.
Multiple times a day?
Three, four times.
So, what's the price range? Like, if I wanted a...
I'd rather not say.
It's so big, you're embarrassed to say.
I wouldn't say "embarrassed."
Are there hunchbacks today? Of course.
I've never seen one.
Well, that's because there are spinal surgeons.
That's because of you.
Each time I don't see a hunchback,
you're getting that much richer.
You like The Beatles, don't you?
(CHUCKLES)
Who doesn't like The Beatles? Nobody.
No, nobody.
RONNlE: (LAUGHS) So funny. You're so funny.
What is your sun sign?
Libra. Oh, boy.
That's not good. No, sir.
That's not good. Not for me, that's not good.
Sexually, we're completely incompatible.
That's not true. Right?
That's such a shame.
Yeah, it's as bad as it gets.
You don't know. What is yours?
I'm a Cancer.
Really? Is that good?
Wow. What does it mean?
That's kind of strange. Well...
Taurus and Cancers are, sort of, soul mates of the Zodiac.
We're, like, perfectly compatible.
And I balance what you lack and you make up for what I lack.
And a quiet Cancer almost always has a huge penis.
You're making me embarrassed. Thank you.
No. Fantastic.
Oh, I wanted to make a toast.
Thank you guys for coming. Thank you so much.
Pete's turning 40.
Weird.
And we're ready to start this new phase of our lives with open hearts.
Ready to just choose joy and forgive everybody.
So, thank you all for coming.
Wait. Forgive who?
I think she just means in a general sense.
You know, just put the past behind us...
And live without resentment.
But, specifically, who are you forgiving?
I just like to know the details before I make a toast.
Right. You and my dad and, you know, others.
I see.
Well, I know you have some issues with me,
but I'm curious, what's he in for?
Before today, nobody even knew he existed.
Well, my parents divorced when I was really young
and we don't spend much time together and I'd like to work on that.
Just like we would like to work on
how you have financial issues.
She's talking about all the lending and the borrowing and...
I know what she meant.
You are a beautiful woman, but you are not totally maxed out.
I would say, honestly, you're a six.
BOTH: Oh. A six-and-a-half.
I could make you an 11. Really?
When I found Deb, she was a 7.
And now she's a 12.
I wanna be a 12.
You can't be lazy. I don't wanna be lazy.
Look at me. You cannot be lazy.
I won't be lazy.
Do you know how she got her body? How?
Bodies by Jason. Wow.
Say it. Bodies by Jason.
Say it again. Bodies by Jason.
And now just say, "Jason." Jason.
Again. Jason.
That sounds right, doesn't it?
Yeah.
What the fuck is happening right now?
When was the last time you two saw each other? I'm curious.
Actually, we had lunch together last week. Uh-huh.
And before that?
It's been about seven years.
Seven years? That's a joke, right?
That's like two Olympics.
But I'm the bad guy.
All right, Dad.
What Debbie doesn't understand is it's not bad to help out a parent.
And it's certainly not bad for a parent to help out a child.
I'm sure Oliver would agree. Well...
Are you really doing this right now?
Am I doing what? I didn't start the toast.
Are you really about to hit up my dad for money?
What? He does four operations a day.
It's perfect. It helps everybody
and it relieves his guilt from all the abandonment issues.
You can't buy forgiveness. Right, Pete?
I don't think anyone is looking for handouts. I mean, you know...
We'd pay him back.
If you two are in a bind, I'd be more than happy to help.
No. It's not good to borrow money from family members
because it causes resentment. Remember?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you want me to do? Okay. Admit that my life is shit?
Is that what you want me to say? You happy?
Aren't I allowed a little joy with these children I never wanted to have?
You have never once stopped asking us for money.
Family helps family.
It's true. Family helps family.
Look, I don't expect you to fully understand.
Your dad left. You're broken inside.
It's not your fault you can't feel love.
There's something that you can't...
This is coming out wrong.
You know what? I would rather have my dad than your dad.
Because he doesn't drive me crazy.
You know what's the best quality my father has?
Is he asks for nothing.
I don't know what the fuck he's thinking right now.
Look at that. Nothing. Nothing.
I don't even know him.
And I turned out perfectly fine without his input, okay?
I just figured out what your problem is.
You hate Jews.
Which is so odd because your children are Jewish.
Don't play the Jew card, Larry.
I'm not playing any Jew card. Seriously, it's used up.
You can't use up a Jew card. That's the whole point of a Jew card.
That's right. You can't use it up, it goes forever.
You know what? I have to go.
Yeah, great. What a big surprise.
Bye, Oliver. See you later. See you in another seven years.
Make sure and say goodbye to the grandkids who you met today.
You know, nothing I do is right because of you.
Nothing. No matter how hard I try, I'm just the asshole here.
But you know what? You know what I realized?
It's you. You're the asshole.
Good luck working that out.
Happy birthday, and go fuck yourself.
Hey, see you when the Cubs win the pennant.
I'm gonna go light the candles. Just get it going, okay?
Maybe we should try the toast again. You know, can you be quiet?
You just threw me under the bus.
No, I don't... You threw me under the...
You threw me under the bus.
We agreed to let go and forgive,
but then you started ripping into my dad like a crazy person.
I'm not ripping into your dad.
I'm just saying to him what you say to me.
PETE: Don't be such a ball-buster.
I am not a ball-buster. You make me one.
I am a fun girl. I am fun-loving.
I am a "Good-Time Sally." I dance hip-hop.
I cannot believe l have wasted my whole life
busting the balls of people who have no balls.
I'm the only one here who has any balls!
(ALL SlNGlNG)
God damn it.
Mom?
Mom? What are you doing?
What?
You're smoking, and in the front yard?
No! No, they're Barb's.
Mom!
Since when have you been a smoker?
I'm not a smoker.
I thought you said smokers die.
I'm not smoking. I wasn't smoking.
I saw you.
DEBBlE: No, I wasn't.
Mom, you're smoking?
Deb, you can't smoke, you're pregnant. You've been doing so well.
You're pregnant?
No effing way. I don't want another sister.
I don't want her as a sister.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It just slipped out.
Are you pregnant? Since when are you pregnant?
Since when do you care? You don't even want another baby.
You have no idea what I want.
I want an Asian baby.
We're not gonna have an Asian baby.
CHARLOTTE: Yes, we are.
They're not Asian. Sadie.
We'll buy one. Shut up, Charlotte.
You shut up. Shut up, Sadie!
Shut up, Charlotte! Shut up!
Okay, Sadie, shut up. Shut up, Charlotte!
Shut up! Okay, stop saying "shut up"!
You're pregnant? Since when are you pregnant?
When did you find out?
Will you stop eating cupcakes, please?
Stop eating cupcakes! Stop eating cupcakes!
Hey, we just heard. You're having a baby?
See, it can happen to anybody.
That is so wonderful.
Let me give you a hug. Fantastic, congratulations.
CLAlRE: It's wonderful. I'm so happy for you.
This is too adult for you. Let's go outside.
Congratulations.
Well, I guess we're stuck together then forever then, right?
Weren't we always?
You didn't even want a baby.
Of course I do. I never said that.
I didn't want one if I could choose.
I should put that on a Hallmark card. That's beautiful.
Debbie...
Good luck with the pregnancy, Debbie.
But please, take care of yourself.
It's a much riskier pregnancy after 40.
I'm not 40. Of course you are.
You were born on December 5th, 1972.
I'm not 40. How do you know?
I was there. I'm the one who took your mother to the hospital.
Well, that's not what she said.
Your mother was in labor for only about 20 minutes
You couldn't wait to meet me. Can you imagine that?
I don't even know you.
You can't just come into my house and reminisce.
Look, maybe we're just not meant to be in each other's lives.
I'm not sure this was such a great idea.
Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute!
You did leave and you didn't come back.
My first life was ruined. I did my best with my second.
So, I ruined your life? I was eight.
People do better when I stay out of their lives!
That's what my son tells me.
You think my life is so perfect?
I've got a 13-year-old who's a pothead.
I've got a wife who's keeping Zoloft alive.
You never said that before.
You don't think I wanna talk to you about this, to share it with you?
It's just not our way. We don't talk to each other.
We don't know each other. And I thought that's the way you wanted it.
How do I get out of this?
How do I get you all to just help me down off the cross?
You sound just like Sadie.
Who's Sadie?
No, your daughter. Your younger?
The big one.
Your older. I know, I know that. A wonderful girl.
Hey, guys, some of us need to leave.
Would this be a good moment to sneak out?
Where is Dad going?
Best birthday ever!
(TlRES SCREECHlNG)
(SCREAMS) Oh, shit!
Bike lane, asshole!
Fuck you, you Twilight pimply-ass motherfuckers!
Your dad's still here.
DEBBlE: I know. It's kind ofweird.
Where the hell is Pete?
Um...
Is it okay if Joseph hangs out here for a while?
Mm-hmm.
Hi, Joseph.
Hi.
Do you want a piece of cake?
Oh! Yeah, sure. Thank you.
All right, then.
They are so cute.
So cute.
He looks exactly like Tom Petty.
(HONKlNG)
Go around.
Watch it, watch it!
Hey, Pete! Great party!
Yeah.
The best!
And then we shake it.
(CHUCKLES) And then a restaurant comes up.
Dad, excuse me. I'm gonna go look for Pete right now.
Would you mind staying with the girls for just a little bit?
Well, ifyou want me to.
Ifyou don't mind. You don't have to.
Sure.
Can I let Sadie show me the last episode of Lost?
She asked me if l'd seen it and I haven't.
Yeah, that would be nice.
Thank you. Thank you.
She said we could watch it. Come on.
I'm gonna let you watch Lost. Come on.
(GlGGLlNG)
Is it scary?
I'll cover your eyes if it gets too scary.
Are you mad at me? Did I say something?
Shh. Larry, please.
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Are you fucking kidding me?
You opened your door on me.
I didn't open my fucking door on you. I opened my door!
Aw, fuck. I was right there!
You're supposed to look before you open your door!
I was in a fucking bike path!
That's a blind spot. There's no fucking bike path.
It's a residential section. Get your head out of your ass.
Pay attention!
Open your goddamn eyes. What are you doing, sleepwalking?
You're supposed to look to see if a biker's coming through.
You're supposed to look!
It's not my job to look out for you. You look out for yourself.
I don't look out for you. I don't see you.
I don't know where the fuck you are or what you're doing.
No one is ever looking out for me!
I need your name and your number.
Why?
Because you're gonna pay for my door.
PETE: Fuck you!
Why don't you pay for my bike and my face, you fucking prick?
(GASPS)
(GROANS) Don't disrespect me.
LARRY: Are you sure that's him?
I don't think that's him.
(GROANS)
I gotta write down your license plate.
"Range Rover of Sunland."
What are you doing? Ow.
I guess the party didn't turn out like you planned.
It wasn't a good party.
Hi. Hi.
I'll bring you in as soon as his X-rays are finished.
Okay. Is he okay? Okay.
Yeah, he has a broken rib and he's been crying a little bit.
But he'll be fine.
You know, Pete was never a real fighter.
But that's why he married you. That's why he loves you.
Because you're the fighter.
And you need that.
One person in a relationship has got to punch.
Do you mean that in a good way?
Oh, it's a high compliment.
Thanks.
Listen, I know what you're worried about.
You think he's gonna turn into me,
but I don't think it's gonna happen.
He's smarter and probably a little cuter.
A little less Jew-y.
Although after 50, that's all gonna change.
Be prepared to wake up one day with a rabbi.
But the good news is, you know,
he'll love you forever.
That's in our DNA.
We stick around.
He worries about you, you know.
It puts a lot of pressure on him.
I know, I just don't have anyone else to talk to about it.
Why don't you talk to Claire?
If I open up to her, she'll leave me.
No, she won't.
Mmm. Larry, she loves you.
I know, but there's a certain point at which you just can't stay.
(CHUCKLES)
I guess it's hard to forgive somebody
if they don't formally apologize to you.
Are you apologizing?
I'm very close.
Yes, I'm sorry.
I'm glad everybody's okay.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, thank you.
All right, I'm off.
Okay.
This is awkward.
What?
I need $40 for a cab.
(LAUGHS) That's funny.
No, I'm not kidding.
Oh, yeah.
You drove me, honey. I wasn't prepared.
I know. I only have a hundred.
It's okay.
I'll bring you the change.
All right. Give him a kiss for me.
(STAMMERS) I don't get it.
See, it's not sad.
It's happy, because they helped each other achieve their destiny.
Great. I'm gonna have some freaky-ass nightmares.
Hi. Hi.
(SlGHS)
I really liked our life so much better
before we tried to change everything.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. I don't want to keep anything from you.
I love you, you're my wife.
I just didn't want to let you down.
Are you mad that I'm pregnant?
No. I'm not mad, I'm thrilled.
You don't feel trapped?
I sometimes feel like I trapped you.
I don't feel trapped.
Really? No.
You should, because I have trapped you.
You can't go anywhere.
I'm gonna get you pregnant every 10 years for the rest of your life.
You can never leave me. Ever.
I never feel trapped by you.
I'm so happy to be with you and I love you so much.
You're my favorite person in the whole world.
God damn it, why am I crying like this?
Something is wrong with me.
You're pregnant.
Oh, yeah.
Shit.
I was just outside telling your dad that I liked him.
What if he thinks I like him now?
No, he won't think that.
I don't want him to think I like him that much.
No, it will never happen.
Can you believe it? This is the craziest thing ever.
What are we gonna do with a third baby?
I have no idea. How are we going to afford it?
We'll sell the house.
We don't have to.
We kind of do. We kind of do.
We'll make new memories in a new house.
I love you.
Is there anything you want to do for your birthday?
It's been the worst birthday ever.
There is one thing, but I don't think you'll like it.
What?
I wouldn't mind going to see some music. Would you want to do that?
Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
I don't believe you, but you're sweet for saying that.
How do we break you out of here?
I can just leave on my own volition. It's not a mental institution.
Can you? Yes.
It's not like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Please don't put a pillow over my face.
(LAUGHlNG)
Let's get outta here, McMurphy.
You got it, Chief.
Will you carry me?
You've been carrying me all this time.
(GROANS)
(SlNGlNG ALT-COUNTRY SONG)
Thanks.
I like this song.
Really?
Why?
Why don't you sign him?
Ryan Adams? No, he wouldn't sign with me.
Why not? You're the best.
He is in between labels.
Let's go try and talk to him after the show.
(VOCALlZlNG)
(CROWD APPLAUDlNG)
RYAN: Thank you.
I'm sorry if I'm not all fancy pants and wealthy
and showing it all off with my Vidal Sassoon haircuts.
Sorry.
Quit slow-blinking at me.
I'm sorry. Okay...
I would like to rear up and jackknife my legs
and kick you both in the fucking jaw with my foot bone.
(LAUGHlNG)
That's what l would fucking love.
I wish my fucking foot would go right through your skull.
This is what happens when you corner a rat.
I will fucking kill you.
You corner me, I will fucking chew through you.
I'll chew through you!
Slow-blinking eyes. I will chew off your fucking eyelids.
You won't slow-blink at me, will you?
Did you drink before you came here?
No, but I'm gonna start drinking.
I'm gonna slit somebody open like a fish and drink their blood.
That's what I'm gonna drink
ifwe don't start getting to the fucking point here.
Probably I'm gonna start with Karen Carpenter's head.
I'm gonna rip her head off and I'm gonna drink her blood.
And then I'm gonna come back and light you on fire.
I'm gonna light you all on fire.
But I'm gonna start with you, Jill.
I'm gonna fucking torch you.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go buy a fucking pickup truck.
And a cord of rope.
And I'm gonna string it around all three of your fucking necks
and then drive around town, dragging you.
That's what I'm gonna fucking do.
That's completely uncalled for.
Really, Jill? Do you think it is?
Fuck off, Jill. God, everybody fucking hates you.
God!
That isn't even nice.
Go suck a big fucking dick, Jill.
JlLL: That's totally uncalled for, Catherine.
You're a fucking asshole. Everybody hates you.
They hate your fucking bob.
And I'm glad your husband died.
Because you're a fucking asshole. He probably killed himself.
I would. Kill myself.
God, I'd kill myself, Jill.
MAN: Cut! (ALL LAUGHlNG)